Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dear Woody Allen,

I wanted you to know that your fans are split into two different catagories. New fans and real fans. New fans are the people who say "I like Woody Allen movies, just not the ones with him in them". Probably the most idiotic thing you could ever say when speaking of Woody Allen.

If new fans had any idea what the fuck they were talking about, they would know that your best work ALWAYS contained you inside it. They would know that Scarlet Johanson's little Matchpoint was very similar to an even better (excellent) previous Allen movie (that starred you) titled Crimes and Misdemeanors. They would know that while Vicky Christina Barcelona is great and beautiful to look at, it will never be Manhattan and that Manhattan would never be Manhattan, without you, Woody Allen.

They would see you riddled inside the comedy and mannerisms of Larry David and in turn his genius sitcoms Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. They would appreciate your timeless slapstick humor and would be fast enough to catch your quickly delivered jokes and the furthest thing from their mind would be that you creepily married your asian step-daughter.

Most importantly they would have taken the time to watch an old movie of yours. That of which they have probably never done. Woody Allen, I own 16 of your movies and it isn't because I set out to do so in order to PROVE that I was a fan of yours. It's because every time I ordered one of them on netflix, I fell in love with it and purchased it for 1.50 on half.com. You are by far the only weird haired big nose troll I could ever find attractive. Your sense of humor and writing is enviable and I too would have dropped my pants if I were ever lucky enough to be your step daughter. ::cough:: I write this in hopes that I never come across a "new" fan who insists on telling me how much they only like the movies that do not include yourself. Because I swear to god I will squeeze that person in their private parts until they say otherwise.

As I sit here and order the very funny yet not as popular as it should be "Hollywood Ending" for an insanely cheap price, I want to thank you for sending me the comedy "Whatever Works" in July, starring the other man of my dreams Larry David. I just wish you too were in it.




Boulette de Viande! said...

Gulp gulp gulp, I said as I read this all the way through. Then I realized I was ok, because I'm a true fan too. Woody starring Larry starring You may be too much for the brain to handle.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maggie May said...

1 this is one of the best posts ever.

2 i completely agree. except for the part about being the pants dropping step-daughter. i worship at his (movie) alter but not his (penis) alter.